Before I begin, full disclaimer. These are my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions about gender stereotypes. Your Mileage May Vary.
I’m 46. As your mileage catches up to mine, you may see my point of view 🙂 Or not.
Of late, the mainstream media has shifted its attention to the mom blogger. Whether it covers the Digital Mom (Today) or the Secret Lives of Moms (Oprah) , it seems to be focusing its “laser” attention on a new stereotype of moms.
A digital mom. Who seems to be in her early thirties, generally white and blond-ish, and blogging about her experiences — good, sometimes bad, and occasionally whiny — as a mom. Played on TV, generally, by Heather Armstrong (Dooce).
Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom. I waited a long time to become one, and it was never certain that I would. My son is one of the most important things in my life.
But my experience of motherhood as a later in life mom with, at the time Douglas was born, a senior executive job at a technology company is very different than Heather’s. I had to battle different things, including very real sexism on the job. I had to operate in a world where my joy in parenthood had to be tempered, because my male colleagues saw it as a weakness. They would never admit it, but oh my, was it clear. Seen, not heard, baby.
I have tremendous respect for women who, like Dooce, have turned their motherhood into a money stream. God bless you and rock on as you rake it in. Not for me, but it works for you and I have no problem with it.
I’m also NOT proposing that mom bloggers stop sharing their stories in any way they wish on their blogs. Your life, your stories, your words, your right.
BUT….
Have we taken four steps forward and five steps back? Are we still letting mainstream media define us by our motherhood? Sure, it is not June Cleaver anymore; there’s a nod to diversity. A teeny weeny nod.
Nevertheless, the media seems to be re-focusing on women in a very traditional role of mother, tripping lightly over our other achievements.
Have we really come a long way, or are we back near the beginning?
Is this new perception of modern day moms damaging our ability to be perceived as women APART from our roles as mothers? The media seems to be grabbing hold of an image of the digital mom that threatens to overwhelm our individual and collective achievements as professional women. To stuff us back in a gender-defined box.
How else to explain shows like “In the Motherhood” ? Or Oprah’s Secret Lives of Moms, which I did not watch because the show generally irritates me and I didn’t expect the mom episode to be much different. (Read some other moms who weren’t over the moon about Oprah). Or the idea that Oprah’s foray into Twitter (lord help us) has something to do with soccer moms?
Is the digital mom becoming a new stereotype that will be just as damaging as June Cleaver?
I’m worried that the answer is yes.
Now, here’s where I put on my truly radical feminist hat. Be warned, and bear with me, as I am still thinking through this issue. I would love to hear your thoughts, whether you agree with me, think I am full of shit or something in between.
Is the mainstream media stuffing women, in general, back in the mommy box because the US power structure relies on women staying in their traditional gender role? To some degree, I think the answer is yes.
Those in power – mostly men – want to stay in power. Full stop. Individual women are allowed to break out of the mold – if they push push push hard enough, give up everything except their careers etc. They are allowed to be the rare exceptions – the Queen Bees. They are unique.
Society doesn’t acknowledge that women can be just as capable, competitive as male counterparts, and still be nurturers. Moms. The successful woman is special. [Note: Women are also allowed to rise to the top if they embody the stereotype and use it to be successful. Mary Kay, Avon etc.]
The rest of us? At the core, The Powers That Be want – need — us as a gender to stay in the traditional role as much as possible. Our economy is to some degree built on the assumption that we will. We can have jobs, but not the top jobs. Look at the tech industry – even the social media industry. At most conferences, most of the speaking slots are STILL filled by men. A smattering of token women, usually the same ones over and over. Because you know, they are special.
Even Michelle Obama, a very successful attorney in her own right, has been completely redefined as a wife and mother. Don’t even get me started on how the media has f-ed over Hillary Clinton. Would take multiple posts and only my policy wonk friends would stick it out.
The other side of this problem is the Madonna – Whore dichotomy. It often seems, women must be one or the other. Never both. Our society still has tremendous difficulty separating sex from biology. Consider breastfeeding. Biology, people. Mothers make milk and some choose to breastfeed their babies. Others don’t. Has NOTHING to do with sex. No need for blankets. Or embarassment. For anyone.
Yes, this mom in the media trend makes me very uneasy. Tell me I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. I don’t think I am.
What do you think?
Oh BRAVO! I feel the same way. I think you’re right and I think you’re dead ON about mainstream media shoving women back into traditional “superior mother” roles – it makes marketing and selling advertising so much easier.
I posted about this too. So glad to “meet” you.
This is an interesting post (and thank you for the link.) I don’t think moms in the media is bad per se. I just don’t always like how moms how portrayed. I hated that Oprah b/c I thought it trivialized motherhood down to minivans and arts and crafts and was a bunch of woman whining. But I also think the internet has given moms and women a voice and I am all for that!
I think this post is very thought provoking.
I completely agree that the Internet has given moms and women a strong voice. Many different voices. What I deplore is mainstream media homogenizing that voice into a new stereotype of the “mommy blogger.”
That I agree with. I have a job. Not all “mommy bloggers” are SAHM. And not all “mommy bloggers” have babies. Some have teenagers.
as we’ve discussed, I totally agree with you on this. Oh, how many times do I have to fight that “mom” moniker. Yes, “mom” is in my blog name, but the whole point was that I am a pundit/political wonk AND a mother, not, as some would suggest, a blogger whose opinions and expertise are limited to and defined by motherhood.
I am afraid if we let the MSM, even Oprah, try to define us like these, we will soon be asked to slip on the Mrs. Cleaver apron and pearls. And the men who like their power and don’t like sharing will be laughing all the way to the bank.
Thank you, thank you for this candid post! You’re not alone. I’m finding many posts by moms who were irked by their portrayal on Oprah. I’m getting more and more disappointed in Oprah. Even though I’m well aware that she’s an entertainer, not a journalist, she still seems to cater to the lowest common denominator.
And that’s not, repeat: NOT, me.
This is really interesting, and a great point. I’m a “mommy blogger” who also writes about politics and feminism and spirtuality and I insist on swearing a lot and wearing my heart on my sleeve, and as a result, I routinely miss the “money train” that many mommy bloggers get on. I lose ads, writing gigs, and other things because I don’t fit into the perfect “mommy blog” label (oh, and I’m fat too — that plays a role as well because I’m not willing to diet anymore). I hadn’t thought about it in terms of feminism before, but what you say makes good sense.
thanks for this!
I do not see a problem with it but I’ve always seen myself as being a mother, nothing else and I know that differs from a lot of people but I do fall into that traditional mother stereotype and I wouldn’t want it any other way. So when I see these things in the media, I don’t care because it is me.
I do have to say that if we allow the media to influence our lives in general we’re giving them far too much power. It’s on us as mothers and fathers to teach our daughters and sons to not be sexist basically.
I will say I don’t watch Oprah at all, don’t like her. LOL!
Great post. I’m so tired of being put into a box, and I can not stand how, now that I’m a stay at home mom-by choice, I’m very lucky-, that men seem to be more comfortable around me as opposed to when I was the director of a Non-profit. I am just treated differently, softer, like I’m just a care giver and no longer an ass kicker. It’s really irritating, and if we let people continue to group us into one thing or the other as opposed to the many different things we are, we are not going forward, but backwards.
Amen. I agree, being a not-yet-a-mother. Nobody asks me when I expect my next promotion or to earn another degree. They ask when we’re going to have kids. The answer is “soon, hopefully,” but wtf? None of your business. They ask “how is work?” but they don’t expect to hear “fulfilling.”
A man that chooses to stay home with the kids is applauded, but a woman who chooses to prioritize her career on equal footing with rearing her children is somehow seen as less-than in both respects.
Bravo! I agree with everything you just wrote and these sentiments have been brewing in me for some time. Thanks for spelling it out.
BTW, found your blog through a Facebook link! I will be checking your writing out more.
You said so much of what I think about this. I am a mom, and a blogger, but I am not a mommyblogger. (It would be hard to read my blog and put it in that category, anyway) I know the term has brought a group of women some kind of marketing clout, but I do think there’s been a tradeoff. Maybe it works for those who have leveraged it monetarily, with some success, but like you said, at what cost?
The term “soccer mom” also rubs me the wrong way. I just hate the generalization of women in that way, as though just one thing defines us.
I only watched a small segment of Oprah’s show, but one thing I took away was that she brought on thin, middle and upper class women with blonde hair. As if mothers only look like that. And shame on her for that.
I love this, just love it. I love it because as women, we do not critically analyze the images that are thrown at us by the media nearly enough. We don’t page through a fashion magazine remembering the strategic alliance between the cosmetics industry, the fashion industry, Hollywood and publishing. We forget that these magazines are designed to make money and make money best when we feel less than the pictures and then turn around and spend our hard earned money on the things they advertise. Sometime, this stuff is just entertainment but it also taken as a whole gives us a measuring stick to measure ourselves by and way too often it’s just the wrong stick. Thank you for digging deeper on this one.
Brava again! The Dooce/Digital Mom stereotype may be even more damaging than June Cleaver as it seems the Mommy Bloggers who are getting all the attention are the “I’m just hanging on by a thread” variety. You know, the ones who tell “cute” stories like how they didn’t bother to bathe their kids for three weeks because they just couldn’t handle it, then stuffed them in the Jacuzzi when it all got to be too much. At least June Cleaver had her act together and was always immaculately dressed in high heels and an ironed dress!
I actually know more Moms who are juggling career, several kids and doing it all beautifully although some struggles, but still with great competence. Those are the Moms I’d like to hear from, but apparently they don’t get the media attention.
I do think the media is focusing on women in traditional roles right now, but I find this no different than when the media focus was on women who had children and held down full time jobs. Back then all the daytime talk shows focused on that. The media tends to do this because they need a new something to talk about – I don’t think anyone is trying to push women back into a traditional role, they’re just looking for “trends” to report on ad nauseam.
I have a different view on this general topic however because back when I had small children, I WANTED to stay home with them and the societal pressure was to work outside the home. I did stay home, and it was difficult financially and socially. Many of my friends wished they could stay home too but for them it was financially impossible. I came to realize that while the women’s movement originally was all about choice for women , it appeared that the push to change women’s role’s resulted in the same number of women having no choice – only this time there was no choice but to be a working mom. And I know from my life experience, and talking with many mothers that plenty of them feel they are the ones doing it all – and they don’t like it one little bit.
I do agree with you, however that as much as we like to indulge in the fantasy that women are equal with men in the workforce it’s still a fact that women make 80 cents on every dollar a man makes. Right now most of the working women I know still have a job but their male partner/husband is laid off. Why? Because he had the larger salary. Now the women who are left after the layoffs can work even harder for the same (if not less with paycuts) than the men. And that makes me mad.
Perhaps it is just as simple as this – women who CHOOSE to be stay-at-home-mommies are finding ways to do so, whether it’s by working at home, making money on a blog or cutting expenses, and the media is showcasing them. And I am all for this because these women are not using their fifteen minutes of fame to make working mothers feel guilty or preach about how this is how it should be, they’re just being examples to the women who wish they could, but think it can’t be done.